When Self-Love Feels Uncomfortable: How Mindfulness Opens the Door to Compassion
Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to truly love yourself?
We hear it everywhere “love yourself,” “be kind to yourself,” “practice self-care” but for many of us, those words land uneasily. Like something we should do, but don’t quite know how to feel.
In recent weeks, I’ve been sitting with the discomfort that can arise around self-love. And I’ve noticed how deeply ingrained it is in so many of us to respond to our struggles with criticism, not care.
Someone recently said to me:
"How can you love yourself if you burn the dinner you cooked? Doesn’t that just mean you’re letting yourself off the hook?"
It was such a striking example of what many of us believe deep down — that self-love is indulgent, or even selfish. That we must earn our worth through perfection. That kindness is for others, but not for ourselves.
But the truth is:
You can be imperfect and still worthy of love.
You can make mistakes and still deserve gentleness.
You can fall short and still choose compassion.
Mindfulness: The Doorway to Self-Love
Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and without judgment.” It’s not about fixing ourselves. It’s about seeing what’s here, clearly and kindly.
Mindfulness helps us notice the thoughts we’re believing, the tone of our inner dialogue, the tension in our shoulders or jaw the lived experience of being human in this moment.
And that noticing gives us a choice:
Do I continue on autopilot… or do I meet this moment with curiosity and care?
Mindfulness as the First Step in Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion describes three key components:
Mindfulness — noticing when we’re struggling, without judgment
Self-kindness — treating ourselves with warmth and understanding
Common humanity — remembering that we’re not alone in our pain
Mindfulness is the starting point. Without it, we can’t access the other two. It helps us pause and say: “Ooh, this is hard right now” and from there, choose a kinder response.
The Practice of Returning
Even after years of practicing mindfulness and teaching self-compassion, I still notice old patterns in myself, people-pleasing, inner harshness, the urge to override my needs.
But I’ve learned that these moments are not failures. They’re invitations.
Each time we notice ourselves getting caught in old stories, we have a chance to return. To soften. To remind ourselves that love isn’t something to be earned, it’s something to remember.
You’re Not Alone
If self-love feels foreign or uncomfortable to you, know that you’re not alone. You’re walking a brave path.
Mindfulness gives us a way in. A way to become aware of the inner narratives we’ve carried for years. A way to begin rewriting them, gently, with breath and presence.
At State of Harmony, we explore these themes in our meditation circles, movement practices, and immersive events. You’re always welcome here.
Upcoming Offerings at State of Harmony
🧘♀️ Sacred Sunday Immersion — a morning of mindful movement, guided meditation, and sound healing. See upcoming sessions.
🕯️ Wednesday Night Meditation — weekly sessions to unwind, reconnect, and come home to yourself. Learn more, or book now: New client | Return client
